A week from last Thursday, I was busy stressing out about my orchestra class. I felt like I had a lot of things to get ready, copies and phone calls to make, planning to do, parents to inform...you get the idea. It probably didn't have to be as hectic as I made it that day, but so it was. (I don't have a better coping mechanism for when lots of things need to be done, except to get a little stressed out.) I spent all of Cal's nap time and a lot of his wake time (sadly) getting ready for the 4:15 rehearsal. Finally, at about 1:30 in the afternoon, I reached the point when I felt like I had done everything I could do before the actual class. I was as ready as I could be and whatever would happen now would happen. It was a nice feeling, and I was glad it came early enough before the rehearsal to still enjoy a piece of the day with Cal.
The rehearsal went fine, and I rushed home in time to zip to Grandma's house for dinner. I always love visiting her because we have so many common interests. Also, my last surviving grandparent--the only one I ever knew--died when I was in eighth grade (when I was just starting to not be a little kid) so visiting Helen makes it seem like I have a grandma. As usual, we had a nice time. We helped her take care of a few things around her place, served up dinner, and watched Cal toddle around her apartment and chase her cat.
Listening to her talk always makes me think. What would it be like to be in the sunset of my life? She has such an independent personality that I imagine, and she's mentioned to me, that it's hard to have to depend on people. To not be able to trust your body to do everything you need it to, to not be able to see well enough to thread the needles you've been threading your whole life, to not be able to remember previous conversations you've had...and yet she's so admirable because she just copes with everything. For example, she's been having huge difficulty moving her right arm (because she was folding some heavy sheet and injured something) and she just finds new ways to feed herself, or write a letter, or do whatever.
The impression I get when I talk to her is that she's doing her best to stay occupied while, sort of at the same time, waiting for the inevitable to happen. I don't mean to sound morose, but she's mentioned several times in a "joking-but-not" way how "I'm not sure I'll be here that long" or "I better not be here that long" or "Why the h*** did I have to live so d*** long?" And on this particular Thursday evening it occurred to me that maybe she feels about her life like I felt about my orchestra class. She's taken care of all the important things she needs to do, and now she's just waiting for whatever is going to happen to happen. I thought about how relieved I was when I'd reached that point earlier that day, and what a relief it would be when I get that old to be able to say the same thing about my whole life. I'm not sure she would say the same, but for my sake I hope she'll be with us for another long while.
Caption: These pictures are of the amaryllis from the bulb garden Mickey gave her for Christmas. She wanted us to take a picture and share them with you.
3 comments:
I love that you get to spend so much time with Helen and get to know her so well. Every time I have had a few minutes to talk to her - and it always is just a FEW minutes - I laugh a lot and wish that there was more time to spend with her. Hopefully sometime we'll be able to take an Arizona trip and spend all of our time with you guys and Helen.
Also, I think you are an amazing woman, Ang. You have so many talents and add so much to the lives of those around you. I'm glad that your rehearsal went well! I hope that you guys really can come and do a rotation here next year. I'm already planning on it! :)
Thanks for sharing those pictures and thoughts. I appreciate it! And please tell her hello and we love her the next time you have a chance.
I, too, have finished my work here on earth. I now wait for the inevitable blessing of death to take me home . . . :)
J/K. I've still got some good livin' ahead of me.
I really appreciated your post for a couple of reasons. First, you identify a profound sensitivity towards aging that I sometimes lose. I would love to have Grandma as a patient, because she understands that she is old, her body is winding down, and there's no fix, no cure for this natural transition towards death. She seems overall at peace with herself and her life. So few of my patients have that perspective, and it becomes very frustrating as a doctor to see patient's raging against "the dying of the light," unable to accept that inevitability of their eventual aging and dying.
My goal is to care for my body so that I can be vigorous and active until age 80, and then hope for a rapid, graceful decline towards death. If I make it longer? Great. But I don't want to flail helplessly at death's door.
Second, it is very sweet to see the love you have and display towards Grandma--a telling sign of the goodness of your heart, and it must mean the world to her. I hope my future granddaughter-in-law is as caring toward me, but I fear instead that Grant Guy will teach her to play "Kick Grandpa Off the Couch." :)
Thanks for the post Angie. Those are some deep thoughts. I now feel like I am not ready to go. I thought I was doing pretty good, but now I am starting to question...Actually, I have thought a lot about how or when you can know that you have done all that you can. Not just in life, but in little assignments or situations in life. For example, when I was in Ghana getting ready to come home I was really wondering if I had done what I was asked to do there. I came to the conclusion that I did and that I am the greatest missionary to ever live! J/K Actually I did have some spiritual experiences with that , but I feel that we should always be pushing it. I hope that we never feel too comfortable at where we are in life. I guess that if we are doing everything that we know how, then we can know that we are doing what he has asked. Anyway, thank you for the post. It got me thinking, and that don't happen too much!
I to love to talk with Grandma. She really makes me laugh a lot. One thing that I will always remember is "Well dang son, get me the corn juice!" Ask Jeff what that means. I'm sure he remembers.
I hope that Arizona is treating you well and that you are enjoying the good weather. Because come a few months it ain't gonna be so cool. Oh and by the way, Kristen and I are really enjoying the fruity hand soaps that you gave us. So nice!
Post a Comment